Have I failed as a mom?

There are all kinds of failure. Mine has a very personal note.

Let me start at the beginning.
My childhood wasn’t a regular “happy” childhood like you see in the movies.
You know; mother, father, two kids, two cars, white picket fence in front of the house. No, it was far away from that.
True, I had my parents and a brother – until I was 12-years old. At that age, I lost my mother who died of cancer and left behind a teenage girl and a 7-year old boy…

Our father was in no condition to take care of us. He started to drink, and obsessive quest for a new partner had started soon after the death of my mother.
My brother and I were pretty much left on our own. There was no shoulder to lean on when we needed it the most. Our new step-mother brought two more kids into our home. Well, you can imagine that did not work either. We fought a lot. The yelling before even leaving the house turned into our everyday routine. You could tell from far away we weren’t happy.

After few years of struggling, I left my “home” and went to live with my grandmother. Everything changed. I started to breathe again.
I can honestly say that at that point I got my life back. So, the black days were behind me. I survived and somehow managed to get out ready for more.

Since then my life has been pretty great. I met my husband when I was 17. We have two sons. The older is 18 years, and the younger is 14 years old. Both are teenagers, and that is where my story of failure begins.

My personal failure is my two boys. Despite my messed-up childhood, I somehow didn’t manage to prepare them for life as I should.
We are blessed and don’t have to struggle through our life so they can get whatever they want. They always did get whatever they wanted. Toys, phones, computers, you name it.
Were that wise decisions? I am not so sure anymore. One of the main roles of being a parent is to make sure your children understand life.
To teach your little ones what can be expected of life. What are positive and negative sides of life? To make sure they know and understand that there was, is, and always will be, cause and consequence effect.
No matter what your actions were, you will have to live with the consequences at some point. Well, it’s all great on paper, but the reality is the exact opposite of what I just wrote.
The school is one big disaster for both. They are only interested in games, online activities and the only world they know is a virtual world.
What makes matters even worse, all of this started to affect my marriage. We are fighting a lot. All four of us. I’ve got the feeling like I had been here before. Believe me, it’s not a great feeling.

I can say that I failed completely in this department. I basically brought up two lazy creatures with no wish or drive to do something useful with their lives.
Even though it’s not a matter of life and death, I feel like I have lost an important battle.
I won’t ask you what to do. I just wanted to share how I feel.

Thanks for reading!

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